~*Fix Me...I'm broken*~

I hate school. I fucking hate it. No one understands me. Everyone hates me. Why do I fucking bother? I'm worthless. My life is worthless.

It never stops...it never will. All this pain I feel. Matt is such an asshole. He's already got another girlfriend, Katie. What kind of name is that anyway? She's all sunshine and crap. She actually wears shit from abercrombie! What a fucking tool! Now I have to see them everyday, up against a locker feeling each other up like the world is going to end tomorrow. They can both burn in lust-filled, high school hell for all I fucking care. They don't matter. They'll never matter. I'll show them...I'll show everyone. I'm worth more than a damn. People will know my name. They will know me. It sure as hell won't be because of some half-cocked, ass-fucking, pussy faced mama's boy. You'll all know me...

When I was younger I read about alot of religions and how they went about burrying people... I was facinated by it since I saw and still see the dead all around me and I've cheated death more than once....

I don't remember what religion it was really, but I was facinated by it more than anyother... because they washed their dead... not once.. but twice. the first washing was to wash away the physical dirt that this lovely place has to offer and the second bath was to wash away the sins of the soul...

Tonight like several other scattered nights of my past, I bathed twice, made the water perfect, stepped in, started with my hair, rinced, applied conditioner, shaved my legs, lathered my body, washed my face, rinced the conditioner and then started all over like I hadn't done it already... taking my time, making every movement meaningful and worth it.... I guess its just my way of accepting death... if he should come to me tonight I would be ready...

I'm half tempted to take the bike out tonight and with wreckless abandon let fate and my inexperance take over. But I can't... I haven't said my good-bye's yet to two people that mean the most to me...

Mostly I'm scared... scared of what I'm getting myself into in many aspects of my life... I'm scared that it has been so easy to let you back into my life after all this time, after all the years I spent hating you for what you made me do, I'm scared of my debts that just keep piling up and I don't have the time to get enough money to pay them off enough to make it worth it. I'm scared of what my future brings... And in someways I don't want to be around to find out.

I haven't eaten in two days,

I'm finally over with Matt there is no going back... He's lied way to much. But its over... I'm finally done... and there is no going back...

I know I need to be alone...yes alone for a very long time. I need to get my head together. I need to set better standards for myself.I need to love myself again because I've realized that I don't love myself and that hurts more than anything and brings tears to my eyes. I got so lost in him.. I gave up myself for him and look where it got me. I should have listened to the psychic. I should have listened to EVERYONE that told me to stay away but I was stupid and had hope because because he captivated me so much and I wanted to have something to hold onto. he gave me dreams but never fullfilled them. I let myself ship away. I've let alot of my self die. and the most of me is just a hurt scared and scarred little girl, wondering how and why this all hapened why him why now why me. The rest of me is not trusting of anyone and hates the world for what it has become keeping people in it like this that do things like this.

So I've betrayed self
So I've betrayed you
So what now
So what do we do
Pushing you away
I'm pushing you away
Pushing you away
I'm pushing you away
So I confused
So you're not amused
So I'm (you're) feeling used
So what do we do?
Empty inside
I'm dying, I'm crying
She makes me bad
Betrays my head
Empty inside
I'm dying, I'm crying
She makes me bad.


Isn't it weird how bands seem to write the perfect songs to explain your own personal mental anguish?